It seems that when we are the closest to holiness, we are simultaneously closest to the most base, ugliest parts of ourselves. In our every day lives we are somewhere in the middle, lulling slowly up and down on the waves of life. But then a day comes when the clouds part, the heavens sing, there are fireworks and displays of beauty and Godliness that we never hoped or dreamed to see. And we are forever changed. Or at least we think we are. Until the next day when we have slept off the inspiration and overwhelm of the day before, and it is as if we must equalize, come back to our place in the middle. And so we fail. We fail the beauty that we have seen, the truth we have known, and it comes from this place of wanting the comfort of the middle, even as we have glimpsed something more. As if we know that if we stay high too long, we would be too happy, too good, we would have too much to lose. So we lose it quickly, plunge back to the bottom in order to reach the center again. That's the thing about seeing truth. Real truth. It is so overwhelming, so frightening, and so infinite. We cannot help but throw it away the first few times we see it clearly. It is too bright. Too real. Too hard. Too far from where we are.
My life is going to change dramatically by my being in Israel. I have already started to see myself differently, more clearly. And it is alarming to see with such clarity because the person who I thought I was turns out to be only a fraction of the person that I can be. And not only that, the person I was is fundamentally different than the one that I am becoming. And it scares me and excites me all at the same time. I am afraid of the huge changes that can result from this, and so the part of me that likes the middle keeps on pulling me down. But I believe in the part of me that keeps pulling me back up. It is an intense struggle filled with pain and anger and guilt, but also with joy and hope and, dare I say it, infinite potential. And I am going two steps forward and two steps back each time. And it hurts more and more when I pull myself back down. I keep trying to run up the steps. Reach the highest height in just a minute or an hour or a day. And by going too fast, I don't build the foundation under my feet. I lose my balance. I fall. All the way back down. Again.
Just as I need to learn my lesson and stop listening to the the old me that wants to stay in her comfort zone, in the middle, I need to stop listening to the part that is too excited to get to the top to be present for the journey. Up and down, up and down I go. Always coming back to rest in the same place where change and growth are just out of reach. It is a different way that I must go about my life now that I see the possibility for the steps I can take. I can do it, though it's really really really hard. But one of these days I'll get out of the middle. I will walk out with patience and grace so that I may slowly and deliberately ascend my way to the top.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
The good, the bad, and the ugly
So now that you know my itinerary (see below), I want to get to the meat of my experiences here thus far. As a warning, some is a bit depressing, especially for me, but I think it's got to be said. And the reality of the situation is definitely not too sunny, so for the sake of being a realistic optimist, I must include the not-so-happy details in order to be taken seriously and to hopefully give you all a greater understanding of the world I find myself so haphazardly thrown into.
As you can tell by the itinerary, the number of things I've done is long and varied. The number of things I have felt and experienced far exceeds those. Being in a foreign country for ten days for Birthright was a wonderful experience for me in many ways, but it was also just the beginning of a much more overwhelming and eye-opening experience. On Birthright I was surrounded by Americans, every minute of my time was organized and planned, and most of the messages we were given were positive and uplifting. This is of course a wonderful introduction to the country, but I definitely had a rude awakening after the trip ended. I am finding each day that Israel is a beautiful country as well as an ugly one. It is strong and weak, fun and frightening, open and closed. And I have become keenly aware of my vulnerability and instability not only in this country, but in the world. This recognition has been deeply frightening in many ways and although I have not been frozen by it, I am in many ways feeling a great deal of naivety shed itself and a harder (though not hard) exterior begin to emerge (though, true to form, playfully).
I have become a great big ball of emotions. I am crying easier, laughing louder, sleeping deeper...I cannot help but be very emotional because in many ways I have no foundation to stand on here. It's crazy, but for the most part I really don't know where I am. It's as if I started this month with a blank outline of Israel and I am slowly coloring it in (with crayon) every day that I walk down a new street, take a new bus, drink coffee in a new cafe. And I have covered so much, yet so little. On Birthright we went all over the country, but I couldn't get from one place to another if my life depended on it, especially since I was sleeping for most of the bus rides. So I really have started from complete scratch. I know a few random words and most people know at least a bit of English, but when I'm on a bus or in a restaurant, all the words I hear around me are not my own.
And the thoughts are not my own either.
Here you are either religious or secular. Jewish or Arab. I have met people, good, kind, loving, well-educated people who will look at me and hug me and love me, but when speaking of Arabs say the most shamefully racist things. It seems to be a country that defines itself, at least on the surface, by what it is and is not. There is no political correctness. A friend of mine won't let me get into a cab with Arab cab drivers, an acquaintance was speaking of a man he knew who went to jail for killing an Arab. He said he wished he had killed more. And I hear this every day. From all sorts of people. It's...horrible.
And then it happened to me. When my camera and wallet were stolen, I guess the people who stole it were Arabs. They took my driver's license, and I guess through that they tracked down my parents' number and they have been calling them at all hours and harassing them in Arabic. Now I obviously know that all Arabs aren't bad people, but it's frightening to think that so many of these people on both sides have so much hate and anger. They will not only steal from you, but call and verbally assault you afterwards. After this relatively small experience, it is easier to see how this all happened. There is so much tension, so much fear and confusion and propaganda, it unfortunately makes all too much sense how the middle east has become such a mess. How we make each other into "Other."
The first day I got to Israel was the day of the first bulldozer terrorist attack. It was a jarring way to begin a year abroad. Welcome to Israel. Watch for roaming bulldozers. It's horrible that the Palestinian men have done these things and feel such hate, but what's worse is that after the second attack, a few religious Jewish men went and attacked some Palestinians. And the cycle continues.
BUT, but, but, but, but, but, BUT...........!!!
This is not all of Israel, all Israelis, all experiences. Although it is terrible and frightening and aggravating and depressing, there is light at the end of my always optimistic (yet realistic) tunnel.
First, it is SO COOL to see so many Jews everywhere! This may not seem important to some of you, but for those of you who know what it's like to be....normal and like everyone else all the time....well this is a first for me. (Although, truthfully, I don't know if I'll ever really be like everyone else anywhere. But this is as close as I get.) On Friday nights they have bells and songs that go off before Shabbat comes in to make sure everyone knows it's coming. The buses stop, there are no cars in the streets, men in black hats and women and children are in the streets walking to thousands of synagogues around the country saying "Shabbat Shalom" to all the friends they bump into along the way. The greatest thing is hearing people singing songs before and after dinner, seeing them dancing around or eating their huge Shabbat meals. It's so amazing to see everyone stop for a day and rejoice together.
And going to the Western Wall....there's nothing like it. It's so amazing that I can go to the holiest site in Judaism any day that I want, any time. It's mind blowing, really. I can just walk to the Western Wall, like I could walk to the supermarket, or the movies. So crazy. And being at the Wall is this completely otherworldly experience. Everyone is there for the same purpose and I get this feeling of overwhelming elation and peace at the same time. I've gone a few times during days of confusion and overwhelm and I've been able to leave clear-headed and with a bigger perspective. The entire Old City is made of this beautiful white stone and it gives the place this aura of ancient importance and strength. It really is magnificent. I went to the Wall to end a day of fasting where Jews mourn the destruction of the tablets because of the creation of the Golden Calf (idol), and I remember being so hungry and so tired and so sick and closing my eyes and just listening. Men and women were praying, babies were crying, the wind was blowing...it was perfect. The sounds of Judaism at its best.
It's funny. People kept telling me before this trip, "Ohhhh you're going to have the time of your life!" I envisioned fun, excitement, jubilation on a daily basis. This...is not what I'm getting. But I'm getting something else. Something more important. I'm getting reality. All of it. I am savoring the glorious and hurting from the hatred and fear, and I am becoming stronger. Quickly, too. I am trying to keep up with this blank map I began with, that I'm coloring in with my crayons of hope and love and fear and loneliness. And I'm trying not to color it in too quick. Trying not to judge so quickly, loathe so quickly, love so quickly. I am trying to take it all in. And it's overwhelming. Completely and totally mind-blowingly so.
One day when it was getting to be too much for me, I came crying to the woman I'm living with in Jerusalem (who happens to be an amazing woman and teacher) and she gave me some uplifting words which I leave you with. A famous sage of ours said that to attain Eretz Yisrael (the land of Israel), you must go through some toughness first. If you go through with it and come out on the other end, you have proven you belong and you will forever have a place in Israel and Israel will have a place in you. Such a simple understanding, but so powerful. It was exactly what I needed to hear at the time, and I think that it resonates with a universal truth that when something is hard to grasp, it is that much sweeter when it is attained. You enjoy it that much more. I am working very hard right now in this land that is supposedly my own, but feels hard and cold and dark on the outside, but I think that once I get through to its core, I will begin to lighten up. And it is true that if it isn't hard, you don't grow. You don't change. So in the meanwhile, wow am I growing!
Your optimist in Israel,
E
As you can tell by the itinerary, the number of things I've done is long and varied. The number of things I have felt and experienced far exceeds those. Being in a foreign country for ten days for Birthright was a wonderful experience for me in many ways, but it was also just the beginning of a much more overwhelming and eye-opening experience. On Birthright I was surrounded by Americans, every minute of my time was organized and planned, and most of the messages we were given were positive and uplifting. This is of course a wonderful introduction to the country, but I definitely had a rude awakening after the trip ended. I am finding each day that Israel is a beautiful country as well as an ugly one. It is strong and weak, fun and frightening, open and closed. And I have become keenly aware of my vulnerability and instability not only in this country, but in the world. This recognition has been deeply frightening in many ways and although I have not been frozen by it, I am in many ways feeling a great deal of naivety shed itself and a harder (though not hard) exterior begin to emerge (though, true to form, playfully).
I have become a great big ball of emotions. I am crying easier, laughing louder, sleeping deeper...I cannot help but be very emotional because in many ways I have no foundation to stand on here. It's crazy, but for the most part I really don't know where I am. It's as if I started this month with a blank outline of Israel and I am slowly coloring it in (with crayon) every day that I walk down a new street, take a new bus, drink coffee in a new cafe. And I have covered so much, yet so little. On Birthright we went all over the country, but I couldn't get from one place to another if my life depended on it, especially since I was sleeping for most of the bus rides. So I really have started from complete scratch. I know a few random words and most people know at least a bit of English, but when I'm on a bus or in a restaurant, all the words I hear around me are not my own.
And the thoughts are not my own either.
Here you are either religious or secular. Jewish or Arab. I have met people, good, kind, loving, well-educated people who will look at me and hug me and love me, but when speaking of Arabs say the most shamefully racist things. It seems to be a country that defines itself, at least on the surface, by what it is and is not. There is no political correctness. A friend of mine won't let me get into a cab with Arab cab drivers, an acquaintance was speaking of a man he knew who went to jail for killing an Arab. He said he wished he had killed more. And I hear this every day. From all sorts of people. It's...horrible.
And then it happened to me. When my camera and wallet were stolen, I guess the people who stole it were Arabs. They took my driver's license, and I guess through that they tracked down my parents' number and they have been calling them at all hours and harassing them in Arabic. Now I obviously know that all Arabs aren't bad people, but it's frightening to think that so many of these people on both sides have so much hate and anger. They will not only steal from you, but call and verbally assault you afterwards. After this relatively small experience, it is easier to see how this all happened. There is so much tension, so much fear and confusion and propaganda, it unfortunately makes all too much sense how the middle east has become such a mess. How we make each other into "Other."
The first day I got to Israel was the day of the first bulldozer terrorist attack. It was a jarring way to begin a year abroad. Welcome to Israel. Watch for roaming bulldozers. It's horrible that the Palestinian men have done these things and feel such hate, but what's worse is that after the second attack, a few religious Jewish men went and attacked some Palestinians. And the cycle continues.
BUT, but, but, but, but, but, BUT...........!!!
This is not all of Israel, all Israelis, all experiences. Although it is terrible and frightening and aggravating and depressing, there is light at the end of my always optimistic (yet realistic) tunnel.
First, it is SO COOL to see so many Jews everywhere! This may not seem important to some of you, but for those of you who know what it's like to be....normal and like everyone else all the time....well this is a first for me. (Although, truthfully, I don't know if I'll ever really be like everyone else anywhere. But this is as close as I get.) On Friday nights they have bells and songs that go off before Shabbat comes in to make sure everyone knows it's coming. The buses stop, there are no cars in the streets, men in black hats and women and children are in the streets walking to thousands of synagogues around the country saying "Shabbat Shalom" to all the friends they bump into along the way. The greatest thing is hearing people singing songs before and after dinner, seeing them dancing around or eating their huge Shabbat meals. It's so amazing to see everyone stop for a day and rejoice together.
And going to the Western Wall....there's nothing like it. It's so amazing that I can go to the holiest site in Judaism any day that I want, any time. It's mind blowing, really. I can just walk to the Western Wall, like I could walk to the supermarket, or the movies. So crazy. And being at the Wall is this completely otherworldly experience. Everyone is there for the same purpose and I get this feeling of overwhelming elation and peace at the same time. I've gone a few times during days of confusion and overwhelm and I've been able to leave clear-headed and with a bigger perspective. The entire Old City is made of this beautiful white stone and it gives the place this aura of ancient importance and strength. It really is magnificent. I went to the Wall to end a day of fasting where Jews mourn the destruction of the tablets because of the creation of the Golden Calf (idol), and I remember being so hungry and so tired and so sick and closing my eyes and just listening. Men and women were praying, babies were crying, the wind was blowing...it was perfect. The sounds of Judaism at its best.
It's funny. People kept telling me before this trip, "Ohhhh you're going to have the time of your life!" I envisioned fun, excitement, jubilation on a daily basis. This...is not what I'm getting. But I'm getting something else. Something more important. I'm getting reality. All of it. I am savoring the glorious and hurting from the hatred and fear, and I am becoming stronger. Quickly, too. I am trying to keep up with this blank map I began with, that I'm coloring in with my crayons of hope and love and fear and loneliness. And I'm trying not to color it in too quick. Trying not to judge so quickly, loathe so quickly, love so quickly. I am trying to take it all in. And it's overwhelming. Completely and totally mind-blowingly so.
One day when it was getting to be too much for me, I came crying to the woman I'm living with in Jerusalem (who happens to be an amazing woman and teacher) and she gave me some uplifting words which I leave you with. A famous sage of ours said that to attain Eretz Yisrael (the land of Israel), you must go through some toughness first. If you go through with it and come out on the other end, you have proven you belong and you will forever have a place in Israel and Israel will have a place in you. Such a simple understanding, but so powerful. It was exactly what I needed to hear at the time, and I think that it resonates with a universal truth that when something is hard to grasp, it is that much sweeter when it is attained. You enjoy it that much more. I am working very hard right now in this land that is supposedly my own, but feels hard and cold and dark on the outside, but I think that once I get through to its core, I will begin to lighten up. And it is true that if it isn't hard, you don't grow. You don't change. So in the meanwhile, wow am I growing!
Your optimist in Israel,
E
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Israel: My Itinerary
Where I've Been, Where I Am, and Where I'm Going......
How does one begin from the beginning when she is no longer in the beginning? Or better, how does one pretend to begin when one has already begun? I've probably lost you already. Okay, I'll stop being so verbose. Basically, today is the 27th of July and I have been in Israel for 25 days. This is excellent and all, except I had promised myself to start a blog much sooner so that I would not be put in this exact situation. I have been here for almost a month and how in the world can I possibly tell you in one blog what has happened to me over such a large span of time? This is a question I have been grappling with for the last week or so instead of starting this blog, so without further ado, I am just going to begin. I won't get everything, but from not on I'll try to be more up to date. I think the best way of doing this is to first make a list/calendar of what I've done and then fill in with all the crazy stories afterwards.
July 2nd-13th ~ Birthright: Mayanot 65!
(in no particular order)
-climbed the golan heights
-climbed masada
-went to the golan heights winery
-slept in bedouin tents
-rode a camel
-swam in the mediterranean
-swam/floated in the dead sea
-swam in the red sea
-eat more hummus and israeli salad than anyone could possibly ever hope to
-kayaked down the jordan river
-went to tsfat and met an amazingly amazing artist
-went to the israel/lebanon/syria border and saw a hezbollah flag flying...
-visited Rabin square
-visited Mount Herzl
-toured Yad Vashem
-mountain biked (yes, that's right. biked. on a mountain. and rocked it.)
-toured the City of David
-prayed at the Western Wall (twice)
-toured the Old City secret tunnels
-swam in the Ein Gedi falls
...and did many other fabulous things that are escaping me at the moment....
July 14-18 ~ Trip Extension With Lauren and Taylor
-Stayed with our trip guide Tzofia overnight
-Slept the whole next day due to absolute over-exhaustion from the trip
-Went to Tel Aviv
-Went out in Tel Aviv
-Had my bag with my wallet and camera stolen at 4am
-Went to the police station and made a report in Hebrew!
(p.s. I didn't wet myself, I was in the ocean. I swear.)
-Got my wallet back (minus money and identification)
-Went to Eilat
-Tanned
-Snuck into an amazing hotel pool and lounged alllll day
-Went kayaking and snorkeling
-Tanned
-Came back to Jerusalem
-Met the Liffs (my hosts/parents/saviors in Jerusalem)
July 18-Present ~ Living in Har Nof, Jerusalem at the Liff's
-Slept/Sleeping
-Got a cold from running around Israel so much without sleep
-Looked/Looking for an apartment
-Visited Pardes (my yeshiva)
-Continued looking for an apartment
-Saw Arizona friends
-Made new friends
-Went to the Western Wall a few more times
-Looked at more apartments
-Bought super cool Israeli clothing (for cheap!)
-Went to see Batman and Hancock (with Hebrew subtitles)
-Saw the Godfather for the first time (finally!)
-Drank some good Israeli red wine, sat down, and wrote my first blog
The Future....
Be'er Sheva ~ July 29th-August 1st
University of Haifa for Ulpan (Intensive Hebrew Learning) ~ August 4-28th
Pardes Yeshiva ~ September 1, 2008 - May 29, 2009
.....and then who knows?
**Since my camera was stolen, I have borrowed these pictures from my friends on the Birthright trip. Mine were great....but theirs are also wonderful and will have to suffice as my own.**
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