The 42 Journeys

Every week of the year there is a parshah, or portion, of the Torah that is assigned, read, discussed, and questioned by Jews all over the world. Not all Jews do this of course, but the ones who do are all reading and discussing the same words and many are navigating the same thoughts and theories about what the portion means, what the practical messages are, and what deeper, hidden meanings can be uncovered and illuminated. Right now we are in the part of the Torah where the Jews are in exile in the desert and they are going on many journeys. 42, to be exact. And where is the final resting place? Israel, of course. The homeland of Jewish existence and the highest place for us on Earth.

On their journeys towards Israel, the Jews do go to 42 physical places, but more importantly, they learn something important and vital to their growth and maturity in each one. It's an interesting way to count your journeys, to count by what you learned instead of what you saw or did. For me, to think about Be'er Sheva as the place where I learned to clearly see the part of me that yearns for the middle instead of the place where I went to a street fair, transcribed some interviews, went to an archaeological site...I think that's a much more meaningful memory. The Torah teaches us that each journey is not only to a physical place, it is a journey towards greater understanding, the opportunity to build a step, to move up, to become more.

I've been a veritable gypsy since coming to Israel. I've been all over this crazy country without stopping for more than a few days, with one exception of a week and a half in Jerusalem. It's hard not having a home, not having a place to lay my head, have my things, feel secure and comfortable in my own space. I've had to make a place for myself in Bedouin tents made of goat hair (water proof, apparently), hotels, hostels, guest rooms, side rooms. It is a difficult life when there is no routine to keep me grounded and stable, but at the same time I realize that these have been some of my 42 journeys. And Israel may not be the final step for me, as it was for my ancestors.

But, as I said, it's not about the physical place itself, it's about what you learn there. And Israel is my place of conquering fears and desires and maybe a place for learning to build a home in my heart since I do not always have the same four walls surrounding me. It's like the bedouin tents that they can take apart and rebuild whenever, wherever. There are no bricks or stones to keep it intact forever, but maybe I don't need forever right now as I journey outside of myself and, simultaneously, inside of myself. In these hectic five weeks I have found myself floating without roots, and it has really illustrated my need for some sort of routine that goes beyond having the same bed and going to the same restaurants and friends' houses. I need an inner, travel-friendly discipline and routine so that I may feel at home, controlled, and grounded wherever I am. So I am beginning to read the morning prayers every morning as a way of starting each day the same, no matter what bed I slept in or situation I've flung myself (or been flung) into. Because, as much as I want to believe that I don't need a home, that I'm an intrepid wanderer and adventurer, I have found that I do very deeply and intensely need some place, some thing, some ritual to call home.

I am coming to a place now where I am beginning to slow down. I'm at the University of Haifa for a month to learn Hebrew (the more important lessons TBA) and then to Seminary for ten months. I will be taking longer stays, building more sturdy foundations, but not my final house. And so I will need to keep building that inner foundation along the way. And I look forward to my 42 journeys inside of myself that are to come, that are already in progress. Although I have a feeling I will need more than 42 to get where I'm going.