Putting My Hair Up and My Thoughts Down

I have been known at times to say, "I am my hair." To a lot of people, it is how they think of me, how they connect with me, how they classify me. When I'm speaking with someone over the phone and think they may not remember me, my go-to reminder is, "the one with the curly hair." People talk about my hair when I'm not there. It's their association with me, with who I am. It is wild and free and people are drawn to it. It's a conversation starter, the way that at least half of the people I meet greet me. There's something about it, apparently. And I love it. I think it's beautiful and fun, and embodies who I am in a way that no other physical part of me can.

I was recently having a conversation with one of my professors from seminary. I was telling her all of the things in Orthodoxy I was worried about, and as I was listing them she cut in and said, "And WHAT are you going to do about all of that beautiful hair?" Let me explain. In Orthodox Judaism there is a law that married women cover their hair. Hair is a symbol of many things, one of which is your influence in the world. You have hair on your head (symbolizing the mind, your intellect and thoughts), your underarms (representing your hands, your actions), and your nether-regions (your procreative energies). And, in Judaism, these are all places that a woman needs to cover because they are meant to be shared between her and her husband and God.

So women wear head wraps or wigs to keep those parts of themselves...contained if you will. Wait! But a woman is only supposed to share her thoughts with her husband???? That's not okay. That's ridiculous, it's oppression! This is where the other part of the equation comes in. It's not about hiding the intellect. It's actually about bringing it out. You see, when someone comes to talk to me about my hair or looks at it and thinks I'm beautiful because of it, they're probably not thinking, "Wow! I bet she's got quite an intellect." They're thinking about my physicality. And that's what I've been thinking too. Who am I without my hair? People literally don't recognize me when I put it in a bun or ponytail. I was on the bus the other day and took my hair down and my friend who sat across from me sighed. "Phew!" She said. "Now you're back to the real you." Who is this real me that everyone can only perceive when I put my hair down? I have taken it on too, internally. I don't like the way I look with my hair up. I feel vulnerable. Really. I don't get as many compliments, my face is sticking out into the world without my hair covering my imperfections, shadowing my doubts and fears and flaws. It really does that, I've realized.

My hair puts me in the realm of the physical, it makes it so that people will automatically recognize me and take notice. They will look at me with lust or envy or at least appreciation. And all from just seeing my hair. So once I put it up, who am I to other people? I am, if not nothing, much less. My face is nice, but it's my hair that gets all this attention and love and touch. Without it, I am alone, with only the thoughts that manifest through my hair.

It's also said that hair is a manifestation of potential. I actually was learning this in one of my classes and I remember at least five girls turning towards me and staring at my hair, this 'monster of potential', apparently. I felt naked. It was like they could all see everything that I could be, and how I wasn't yet that. That may be the truest way my hair has ever been seen. Through my hair, people see that I have something to give, but they can only see it physically.

And so I've realized that I need to put my hair back so that I can let my thoughts down. So that people can stop seeing the physicality of my potential and take notice of the inner potential.

But I am very scared.

I feel like my hair is much better at conveying a message than my mouth. And it's true.

As much as we'd like to believe that we will meet our true loves because they can sense our wonderful personality, it's the physical that first draws a person in. So what if by putting up my hair I miss out on all of the amazing people who would usually approach me because of my hair, even my soul mate? Well I guess I just have to take that chance and hope that the other things that emanate from within will catch their 'eye'.

It's so ironic. I'm shedding layers of fear and self-doubt by putting things on, by putting away all of the things that I once thought defined me. By putting modest clothing on and putting my hair up, I am, if not taking away, at least decreasing the ability for people to see me as a body, as hair. I am giving people the chance, I am giving myself the chance, to not see, but to meet the real real me.

Some inspirations for this post come from....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtYarYhKa9c
Gila Manolson

P.S. As an aside, this is an interesting way to think about and look at Orthodox Jews (and possibly Muslims, and other peoples who use such tactics, though I have not studied them and their reasons for doing so as intensively). People get very confused/offended/put off when a group of people look and dress alike. Many people think that it means that they have lost their individuality, their identity. I would like to counter this by saying that by taking away the physical clothing and other distractions, it invites a person to look at the other for something besides the physical, to look towards the spiritual or the intellectual. This has been an area of great tension for me. I love wearing unique clothes and looking different, and I am certainly not in a place where I want to dress in all black and be a completely blank canvas (and I doubt that I will ever get there), but I think that there is something to this. Of course, a problem arises when this is interpreted by people as a way of making women subservient/invisible/unimportant (I think there are examples of this dehumanization and silencing in small sects and individual cases in Judaism, in parts of Muslim culture, as well as others), but at its essence I think that there is something legitimate and powerful in removing the focus from the body. Maybe instead of seeing these people as lemmings, it may connote a great understanding of the human tendency to judge based on the physical and therefore it may present an interesting theory, if well and thoughtfully applied, on how to combat this and push people to look deeper.